december 2005 !!!!

“History still feels like news for me” now it all seems like the long past , but the December of 2005 will remain the month I cried the most. I'd never expected life to change so much. I always knew that everything wouldn't necessarily happen the way I wanted it to but this was a very complicated moment, everything came crashing down... a moment of confused emotions.
My brother had got into a university in the states to complete his M.S. and my whole family was rejoicing cause all of us knew how demoralised the poor boy had got after he didn't get into any of the I.I.M's .He was happy in his own way and i was confused in my own.

Being 7 years older than me.. maddy a.k.a madhu was everything to me. EVERYTHING. My brother, philosopher, jester, dictionary, favorite source of entertainment and most of all my biggest asset....!!! The only thought that was running in my mind as soon as he received his " I - 20" ,was "oh my god..he's going to leave...very very soon...whom am i going to play with, whom am i going to irritate, whom am I going to fight with, whom am i going pamper, whom am i going to LOVE soooo much??? "All these silly questions left me a little worried but it would have been more than just selfish if i had shown all these feelings then. The tears never seemed to roll down , cause I could see a very bright future for this boy on that crystal ball that I always imagined..

Mommy's boy, o' ya that he sure was..!! They were BEST friends and never had the normal son and mom relationship and i loved it!! Phone calls came from all over....all happy and overjoyed about my pillow fight opponent's next BIG step. He never spoke out his feelings, but I knew it all. Anyone who'd looked into his eyes for more than a minute would've been able to read his mind in a jiffy. His eyes showed all the pain, curbed tears, sadness but most of all the happiness. “Family and Future " two words that mattered the most to him then, he had to choose and all of us were extremely supportive and respected every decision of his.

Though not rebellious like his sibling, Maddy proved it to all of us that he was extremely determined. None of us knew how life would be after he left, neither his nor ours, he had NEVER been on his own. We all felt the agony of a mom when her teenage daughter was out on her first date... ' the worried eyes and the over strained minds' found immense pleasure to gather and chat through the nights-about his past, his present and most importantly his FUTURE.
Then the day arrived, the cab waited outside. All of us began to gear up (at 2 a.m).My mom had made up her mind not to cry at THE moment , and my dad surely wasn't the type who'd cry his heart out , and I , I wanted to break down and drown the planet but i looked at everyone else and realised that they needed me to be strong then and i tried my level best. I never looked into maddy's eyes for too long , the fear was being overcome by the curiosity in my confidant's eyes and i kind of began to persuade my mom to cool down and be normal with her 'cub' who was going hunting on his own for the first time. He himself seemed a little too confused to express his feelings, at least this bit i surely knew-he wanted to cry but he knew that he just shouldn’t. He had finished giving new strokes in his painting called life and the incomplete portrait left all of us confused. How was it all going to turn out to be?? None of us knew, not even the painter himself...!!!

At the airport- I didn't want to show that I was depressed. I was trying to concentrate more on the commotion at the airport. All those precious moments were coming back into my mind, and as I rest my heavy head on my mom's shoulders I began to run down memory lane!!!
Maddy had enough advice to give but not enough time!! Words weren't a part of the few hours we spent there; our eyes did all the talking. Mom tried to act a little pre-occupied..."have you taken everything, be careful, and don’t go out in the nights. Sleep well....do this, do that...." hadn't we heard all this a 1000 Times but none of us bothered to stop her and definitely not her pet. He kept hugging each of us." NO TEARS" i kept reminding myself. All were happy to see that AT LEAST i was that strong!!! We were the only ones who were allowed to go till all his baggage was checked in. "You aren't going to see him for another year or so, your not going to be able to talk to anyone so freely, there’ll be no one to fight with " ,my broken little heart kept telling me but my strong mind only replied," All that happens , happens for good" .Maddy was all set-with a slight upward twitch on his lips, which I’m afraid I can't call it a whole hearted smile. He walked past us, came back, hugged us and then walked in that queue, kept turning back at every possible opportunity, smiling and waving but now all set!!! The three of us (mom ,dad and i) gave each other a contented and pleased look. Life was going to take a new step. He was learning how to swim in a river which meandered so much. Life flipped a 180 after that day.
New year was the first occasion that made me miss him so much., my birthday being the next one. I cried when I was alone. When I needed someone to talk to, someone to rag, someone to fight with or simply when I MISSED him. Mom and I were close but I didn’t no if I could talk to her about this.” She is the one who misses him the most" I knew that. I became very quiet, more rebellious and irritable and I lost my temper no matter where I was or whom I was with, wasn't there anyone who could understand me??? Then came my 10th boards (something I really don't want to talk about).... went fine, without my tutor though but when my results came. I broke down; had all my emotions shown in my results? All my curbed tears came rolling down and I couldn't think of anything more than hating myself even more.

He wasn't there when I needed him the most, then he called. I told him everything that'd happened. I knew I had hurt him a lot; the guilt was tearing me apart. Then the words of love came from a distance that I could not comprehend, he made me feel that it wasn't the end of everything" The sermonising side of my brother which I generally never liked was THE only thing that made me get back to normal. Then a few months flew and college began and life was the same old boring and monotonous journey with a few unforgettable incidents here and there and with loads of new people walking into my life. I learnt to be more independent and so did everyone else. Life moved on....just moved on...though emotion deficient.

All of us were happy to see him adjusting. He had learnt to live on his own. It was like the happiness a mom felt when her toddler stood up and walked for the 1st time, the excitement and the adventure seemed to be doing him a lot of good..

We're all beginning to get back to normal, yet he is always a part of EVERY conversation and no day ends without talking about the person we all love the most!!! It’s been more than a year and loads of things have changed but this seems to be like a fresh leaf in a best-seller. Sometimes i feel -" things are never going to be the same again" but something keeps telling me “you never know...life might just get better...."