That unturned stone.

I remember a year ago, I was sitting by the window in that hostel room at ACJ. Newspapers all over the bed, coffee mugs and maggi bowls. It was four in the morning and Chennai was all set for another day, but I wasn't. I had wasted the last four hours sitting and wondering if I was happy. All this with a seminar to attend and an exam to give in a few hours. I could not come to a conclusion and I had no explanation either. I had read enough career advice blogs, I was ready to publish my own. But I still did not know what I wanted. Nothing changed. The exam was not worth regretting those four lovely hours spent by the window. Was ACJ going to be another phase of my life that made no difference? I found the right dress to wear and pushed that thought for another day. This day was going to be about me, the interview and a good job. I was more terrified to answer the questions that my heart was asking. "What kind of a job do you want?" "What kind of a journalist do you want to be?" "Is this going to make you happy?" The interview with my current boss went smoother than the stress round I had with myself in my room. Cracking a job with one of the most reputed news channels in the country made me joyful . A sense of achievement, an offer letter and jealous friends around made that moment unforgettable. The first question my father asked - "Congrats, so what should you do? What is your role? Is it what you want?" "Thanks pa. Yes I am happy. I will explain later. ok bye" Tears rolled down as I hung up. I did not have an answer. I always knew I wanted to change the world and do something revolutionary. Not take orders,be my own boss! And here I am using no part of my brain, getting yelled at, cutting footage and packaging news stories. Sometimes these stories do not even make sense and are made only to get a viewers attention. I knew this was not what I expected and I could talk about my job and convince people that it is perfect, but I could not fool myself. To wake up every morning and realizing that it was not what I wanted to do was a pathetic feeling. Sometimes we get so caught up impressing others we forget to make ourselves happy. Here I am. 10 months of taking orders and doing a job that changes no ones life, not even mine. I am still laughing at that evening I fought and convinced my parents about this job. I vouched for everything-- New Delhi, the job, the growth, even my happiness. In less than two months from now I will be teaching kids. I will soon be a part of the system that I have complained about every single day of my life. I will not be doing a job just to grab attention or to get rich. I am not going to make any more decisions that will make me fight with myself. I am now going to sign the confirmation letter from Teach for India and be answerable only to my conscience.